I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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