my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Randomize
