I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
