I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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