You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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