She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
