i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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