he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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