im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
