i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
either way he was missing a nipple.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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