Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
