someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
