Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Randomize
