And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
