just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
