Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
