The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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