Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
