i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
