I wish my penis had an off switch
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
