It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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