we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
