My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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