I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
