you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
