In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
