I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
