I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
