so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
