I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
so much tequila, so little girl.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
