I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Randomize
