You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
