i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
