No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
