Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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