I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
