So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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