Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
