somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
