Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
