I hate your face
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
