I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
