i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
