Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
25 Porn Addicts Admit Their Biggest Pet Peeves
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match