We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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