Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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