I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
