so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
