its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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