The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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