Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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