She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
