Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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