Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Randomize
